Pierce the Scar
by Valtiatar
Summary: For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul. - Judy Garland Warnings: AU Yummy YAOI! Sex, bondage, toys, incest, perhaps a threesome...everything fun, really Kukuku... and yes,Naraku's in it too
1. Chapter 1

_Hello sweethearts and happy eve's eve! This is your Christmas present from me, I hope you like it. I update every day during Christmas. I have chapters for my other stories ready, too, so expect a full load from me soon ;) dirty mind dirty mind... Anyway, I guess I should apologize that this story (nor my other ones) are as christamassy __as you'd probably like them to be. I don't really like Christmas... (issues, so many issues) Oh well, I'm petty excited about this one so I'd really like to hear what you think too. Give me a review as a thank you Christmas present, okay? ^^ pretty please?_

Pierce the Scar

_For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.__  
__- __Judy Garland_

_If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I.__  
__- __Michel de Montaigne_

Someone once told me that betrayal is like a knife through the heart.

I don't think that's true.

A knife through the heart is a one, perhaps two, stabs and then it's over. The feeling of being betrayed, however, that lasts. It just keeps coming back, even after you just got yourself thinking that you got rid of it.

I don't think I can ever get rid of this pain. At least that's what it feels like now. I can't even get a proper ending. It'd be better if it could be like ripping off a bandage, painful but quick. This isn't like that, unfortunately. The source of my pain is something I can never get rid of. I keep seeing him. Over and over again. The worst thing is that I still wait for it. I long to see him.

My pain is my brother. Well, _half_ brother if we want to be exact. As if that would make it any less weird. I'm in love with my brother. Fuck it…

My brother, Sesshoumaru, is no doubt the most gorgeous man walking on this earth. When I was little, I was thrilled to have him as my big brother. It's actually embarrassing how much I admired him. I didn't even try to hide it. He knew I worshiped him, and I think he liked it a little too much.

It's not that he has a bad personality but…no, scratch that, he really has a _horrible_ personality. In a way that is what makes him so irresistible to pretty much everyone. He has never cared about what other people think about him. He always does what he wants and he never apologizes for it. He says he doesn't want to regret anything. I think I understand.

I was thirteen and he was seventeen when he did the first of the many things that changed my life forever. We were all in the living room, me, my father and mother, when Sesshoumaru came back from wherever it was that he had been. He was always somewhere, never at home. I think he hated it there. He felt like he didn't belong. That's just me guessing though. It's not like Sesshoumaru would ever admit feeling like that.

That was actually one of the few times I ever saw him show emotion on his face. He came in looking as handsome as ever. He had had his beautiful white hair long as long as I could remember. He usually had it in a loose ponytail. He had a long black leather jacket and his ears were pierced, several times actually. He carried the metal beautifully. Every time our father spouted crap at him because of them he got a new one. Finally our father gave up and chose to ignore him altogether. That's when Sesshoumaru got his first tattoo.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I was talking about _that_ day, wasn't I? We were watching some crappy TV show that was airing at the time. I never liked it, but it was very popular, everybody watched it and then talked about it at school, so of course I had to sit through it too. Sesshoumaru came in just when it started. He stood there tall and proud, staring at father. I found looking at him far more interesting than the TV.

Sesshoumaru never felt comfortable around my mother (hell, I don't think he feels comfortable around anyone) but it wasn't because she didn't try. My mother was a sweet woman, I love her very much, but I guess it's understandable that Sesshoumaru could never look at her objectively. His own mother ran off with some drug dealer when she found out that father was seeing my mother. Well, she had been seeing the dealer far longer than my parents had been together, but that finally gave her the reason to leave. I was born only weeks after that. That's why my mother felt like she needed to make Sesshoumaru feel that he was loved, even though our father was so cold and his mother had left. I don't think Sesshoumaru wanted the attention. He's not like that.

Still, when our father ignored his glaring son, my mother was the one who tried to break the tension. She asked if Sesshoumaru needed something, offered him something to drink, told him that there was still dinner left for him in the fridge if he was hungry. He just shook his head and kept staring at father.

I thought it took ages, that silent battle between them. He tried to ignore him and thus make him go away, Sesshoumaru tried to stare him down, make him look at him. Finally, when the commercial break came, their eyes met.

"What do you want?" father snapped at him.

Sesshoumaru didn't falter. His steady gaze was so piercing that even I could feel it, and I was sitting next to my mother, as far away from them as possible. It was almost as if Sesshoumaru was evaluating him, deciding something.

"I'm gay", he finally said, his voice as soft and even as always.

My father was stunned, of course. He didn't say a word for a while. I was sure he was going to freak out, start yelling and hitting. Father never hit me, he was always sweet and we did lots of things together. He was only like that with Sesshoumaru. Brother once said it was because he was so much like his mother. He looked bitter when he said it.

This time they didn't start fighting. At least I didn't recognize it as fighting at the time. I was only a kid then after all.

After a while my father laughed. It was a hollow sound and I didn't like it. "So you became a queer, eh? Can't really expect more from you, can I? Suits you well you little ass fucker."

My mother hissed at the words father used, she was always angry at him after he and Sesshoumaru had had their round. Sesshoumaru didn't seem to care though. He smiled.

"Yes, that's right. I rather enjoy it actually, though more the other way around. _Getting_ fucked, you see", he said, making father flinch.

"What the hell did you think you could gain by telling me this?" father asked keeping his tone even and strangely light despite the topic.

"Nothing. Just thought you should know", Sesshoumaru said softly and kept smiling. I thought he looked beautiful, so strong and confident. He turned around to leave again, but he stopped just long enough to wink at me.

I think that that was the moment I began to fall in love with him.

Life was constant turmoil during the next few years… Not for me, really, but Sesshoumaru and father were fighting every time they happened to be in the same room with each other. It nearly drove my mother mad. It was like that all the time until our father died.

It was an accident, a car crash during winter. The road was slippery. They said he died quickly. I was devastated, of course. I was fifteen at the time and that's the time when a boy needs his father. I loved my father despite seeing how he treated Sesshoumaru. He was always good to me.

That was the second time I felt my heart change. I was in my room. I sat on my bead looking out of the window, seeing nothing. I'm not sure how long I had sat that way. One thing was, well _is_, certain and that is that I did not take my father's death well. It didn't help that that was the first time I lost someone close to me. I never knew my grandparents.

I woke up from my trance when I felt someone's hand on shoulder. Through the haze in my mind I first thought it was my mother, but then I realized that she was too much into her own grieve that she could worry about me, besides the hand on my shoulder was far too big and warm to be my mother's. I looked up to see who it was and suddenly there was no haze in my mind anymore.

"Can I sit here?" Sesshoumaru asked and didn't move his hand away. He didn't seem to be the least bit affected by our father death. In the funeral he had only shown a mask of stone. Not even a hint of any feelings.

I nodded my head wondering why he had come. That was actually the first time he touched me deliberately. We weren't that close. How could we have been, when he was never there, and even if he was, he was arguing with father? Suddenly I was more afraid than sad. I was afraid that Sesshoumaru, too, would now leave forever. It wasn't like there was anything holding him back anymore. I mean, our father was the only thing connecting us and he was gone. I seriously doubted he ever saw me as a brother, me being a strange woman's son and all.

But he was there, his hand on my shoulder, looking at the same direction that I had been looking just moments ago. It felt unreal. My overly cool brother was giving me some his precious time.

He didn't offer any words of comfort, nor did he ask me how I was. He just sat there with me until it was dark and very late, and our precious silent moment was interrupted only when I yawned magnificently. He chuckled at me. It was a quiet sound, so quiet I barely heard it and it was almost like the sound was bubbling somewhere deep in his well built chest. The light of the street lamps shone in his eyes. I watched him completely mesmerized. I caught myself thinking that he was beautiful.

"What is it Inuyasha?" he asked, the left side of his mouth curling up slightly. It was very rare of him to smile any more than that.

I couldn't help it, it just blurted out of my mouth. Just proofs how confused I was at the time. Now I wish I could take it back. My life would have been so much easier if I hadn't said it.

"You're beautiful", I heard myself whisper. I realized what I had said the second after it came out of my mouth. I was horrified, and more afraid than ever that he would just walk out of my life. In my mind I went through every curse word I knew.

But instead of scorning at me he laughed. I have always thought that his laugh was the best sound there could ever be. His laugh is like music. It's a deep sound, like the softest velvet and it washes over you like ocean waves. He doesn't do it often. I've only heard it three times, and that was the one and only time it was given only to me. Even now I hold that moment safe in my heart like a precious jewel.

"You think I'm beautiful, huh?" he said, the laugh still audible in his voice. It made him sound almost melodic.

I nodded shyly.

"Why, thank you, Inuyasha. You're not too shabby yourself."

I looked up at him and saw him staring down at me. I was immediately lost in his eyes. They were like liquid amber, it was the same color as mine but somehow his eyes were so much more vibrant and alive. At that moment I knew that he would only tell me the truth. There's this almost mystical raw honesty in my brother eyes that makes people feel intimidated by him. To be honest, that truthfulness scared me, too, more than anything else. Truth can be cruel and I was afraid to hear him telling me that I was…not worthy. I don't know why I thought that. It seems silly now, after so many years.

"How's your mother?" he suddenly asked looking away from me. I was surprised. It was the first time he showed concern and it looked like it made him feel awkward.

"Not good", I said after deciding that I, too, should be honest with him.

"I thought as much", he murmured and looked at me again. "I'm going to leave this place", he announced looking serious.

I was sort of honored that he felt the need to tell me this personally, but still, I felt my heart stop for a moment and I knew he could see my bottom lip tremble. He raised his hand and swept his finger over my trembling lip. The touch left a burning sensation on my skin. I gasped.

"You could come with me, you know", he said quietly and pressed the thumb that had been on my lip to his own.

I was mesmerized by him. I think I would have gone with him, I would have done anything for him to tell you the truth, that's how good he is to bewitch others, but right then I heard my mother's cry through the wall and I knew I couldn't go. I couldn't leave her alone at a time like this.

"I can't", I told him. I really hoped he could see how sorry I was.

He just nodded. Nothing more. He's like that; he never does anything he finds unnecessary. He only speaks when he has something to say.

And so we were quiet for a while. It was well past midnight but my tiredness had gone away as the moon rose higher. I wanted to be with Sesshoumaru as long as I could. I was wondering…

"Sesshoumaru, can I ask you a question?" I asked shyly, not sure if I wanted to ask. But, I figured that if he's going to leave anyway I might as well get everything out in the open.

He looked at me almost curiously. "Of course, though I'm not sure that I can give you an answer."

He had to nudge me with his elbow before I managed to get the words out of my mouth. "How come you prefer guys?" the words came out as a big slushy blur.

A flash of surprise flashed across his eyes. He frowned for a moment before his lips curled up slyly. "Well ", he started, "kissing is just so much better with them", he finished and licked his lips.

I looked fascinated how the red tip of his tongue appeared and then disappeared between the lips.

"Have you kissed anyone, Inuyasha?" he asked raising his eyebrow.

"There was this one girl…" I managed to say. I couldn't believe how nervous I was. He's a very intimidating person, my brother.

"Ah", he sighed and then smiled again that little smile of his. "And did you like it?"

"It was okay…" At that point I didn't know anymore what the hell I was saying. My eyes were fixed to his lips that were moist after he had licked them. They were temptingly red, somewhat narrow but I knew they'd be soft. The blood in my head was rapidly traveling downwards to my groin. (Hey, I was only fifteen, cut me some slack…)

He has always been a tease. I think he enjoys seeing people confused, he likes to shock them. Just like that time, the sorrowful and vulnerable me was probably irresistibly tempting for him. "What are you thinking Inuyasha?" he said with a low murmur and leaned forward, closer to my face. It was like his voice pierced right through me, and I felt myself harden.

"I…I… I'm not…" I stammered and he chuckled again. Unconsciously my hand went to my groin.

"Is there something that you want, Inuyasha?" he asked his eyes glowing fiercely. He was so close. I could feel his hot breath on my skin and I could smell his wonderfully arousing scent.

Without a second thought I wrapped my right arm around his neck and pulled him down into a clumsy kiss. I realize now that he would've never made the first move. If I hadn't done anything, he probably would've just walked away, chuckling quietly as he went.

But I kissed him.

It was…no, there are no words to describe it, all the feelings that swelled in my chest as our lips met.

It was probably the worst kiss in the history of mankind, I admit that, but it was just so good. Despite the fact that Sesshoumaru was the coolest person on Earth, he was so warm, and his lips were so soft, but not plump and sticky with lip gloss like that girl's had been. I moaned. That was the sound that woke me up from my trance. I pulled away from him.

"I'm so sorry", I muttered and turned my head away from him. I must have blushed horribly red.

He put his hand on my chin and raised my head to meet his eyes again. The place where he touched was tingling. I tried to move to a more comfortable position; the pressure in my jeans was getting too much to bear.

He leaned in closer and whispered into my ear. "Should I teach you how to do this?" I saw his index finger tracing a line over the bulge in my jeans, applying pressure. I groaned. "Should I show you how to properly make out?"

I knew it was wrong, so very, very wrong, but I wanted him. Oh god how I wanted him! It was like we were the only ones alive and I had to cling to him to be able to exist. I looked at him pleadingly, and he understood.

Softly he pressed his lips on mine and I moaned again. His lips caressed mine with feather like kisses until he sucked my bottom lip between his. I pressed myself against him, desperate to feel him. My hands wrapped around him and his were sliding down my back.

When I felt his tongue on me, asking for entrance, I opened my mouth and welcomed him almost embarrassingly eager. It felt like he was devouring me, he examined every part of my mouth, making it hard for me to breathe. Our tongues slid against each other in a fascinating way I hadn't experienced before. I felt dizzy, and it wasn't just because of the lack of oxygen.

He pulled away from me and I gasped for air. His hand slid lower and lower, down my body until it was resting on my ass. He squeezed gently and I groaned. I was so hard it was starting to hurt. His other hand was fondling the front of my jeans and his mouth was next to my ear, whispering again, making every other sound disappear from the world. "Should I help you with this?" he asked as his thumb slid across my cloth covered length.

I almost whimpered as I pressed myself against his touch. His tongue licked my ear and his other hand drew circles on my lower back. His lips traveled across my skin to my neck and throat, where he stopped to suck the sensitive pulse, leaving a mark that I could see for days.

Agonizingly slowly he opened the zipper of my jeans. I was starting to panic. It was getting so intense. He noticed the change in me. His mouth was at my ear again, whispering shooting words, and I melted. I'm not quite sure how he got the jeans and boxers off me, I was way past the point of having any rational thoughts.

Next thing I registered was his touch when I was sitting on his lap and he was kissing me. Slow, sensual kisses that left me completely breathless. His long delicate fingers were stroking me. His fingers rolled over my balls and caressed the sensitive skin around them. Then his hand was around my cock and I thought I had reached heaven. His thump swept over the tip and spread the precome over it. Waves of pleasure washed over me as he continued stroke me. It was so good that I craved for more, thrusting my hips wantonly to meet his hand.

It didn't take long before it became too much for me and I came with a cry, calling his name over and over again. His hand stroked me through my orgasm, making it last so that I thought I would pass out.

I went limp because of the power of my release. He held me and kissed my neck, whispering sweet things I didn't understand. In the dark of my room I could see his profile and I thought he was gorgeous. At that moment I knew I loved him.

Of course I was young then, at that age people tend to confuse love with other things, but in my case it didn't matter. Weather I was really truly in love with him or not back then was irrelevant, because that was the turning point. The fact that I admitted to myself that I'm in love with him, made it certain that I wasn't repulsed by the idea of loving my brother beyond normal brotherly affection. I knew I should've been repulsed, but I wasn't. Quite the contrary, I felt a sudden ease spread through me as he held me. I felt safe and loved, even though I knew nothing of his feelings. No one knows about his true feelings. My brother has always been cryptic, very hard to figure out. Even _he_ says that he has a hard time trying to figure out Sesshoumaru.

Well, back then I knew nothing of _that person_ so thoughts like that didn't bother me. All I knew was that someone was holding me gently, that I wasn't alone. And it felt so good.

He put me gently to my bed and covered me with a blanked. I was too tired – emotionally and physically – that I couldn't move a muscle. I was tired and wanted to sleep, but I remember that I smiled at him and I think I might have said 'thank you' as well. I'm not too sure.

He moved a few strands of hair away from my face and he kissed my forehead. He said good night and was about to leave but I took his hand, not letting him go. I asked if he could stay long enough for me to fall asleep before he left. He agreed and I gripped his hand tighter, loving the feel of it.

When I woke up the next morning he was gone. I didn't know where he went. He didn't leave any address, or phone number. He didn't even leave a message. That didn't mean he was completely gone, though, for from that moment on he was all I could think about.

I saw him again two years later…

--

--

_So so so?? What did you think? Are you coming back tomorrow to read more?? ^^ I think this is the first story I've done that has Inuyasha as a main character... Angsty, eh? ^^ (I shouldn't be happy about that... My BF's going to preach again -.- sigh)_

_review, please!!! Should I beg in Finnish? Okay then... Olkaa niin kilttejä ja jättäkää plautetta!!! Jooko?_

_Okay, I'm officially emarrassed of myself...  
_

_~ Val  
_


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2

My mother wasn't the same after father's death. She was one of those kind hearted, soft people, who can't take heartbreak. For days, no, for months really, she was completely out of this world. She was lying in her and father's bed sobbing and screaming. Sometimes she came out and walked through the house looking like a ghost from a horror movie.

It was horrible to watch.

I did my best to make her feel better. I learned to cook so I could feed her. I read her the morning paper so she would be connected with the world outside our house. I walked her to the bathroom so she would shower. On some days she was better, almost like her usual self, but then there were days when she was just…broken. On those days I had to wash her hair for her, feed her myself and hold her when she started to scream.

Now that I think about it, after all these years, I don't know how I managed. It was quite frankly a horrible time in my life. No son should see their mother that way. It was also a hard time financially. I had to count every penny we used. My father had been the only one working in our family, mother stayed home taking care of the house and us. The insurance money helped, but for some reason I felt awful using it. It was almost as if I was trading father for something else, less valuable.

We moved into a smaller apartment near my school, the house was too big for the two of us. During breaks between classes I went back home to check that mother hadn't done anything…unnecessary. She was staring to be self destructive. I locked away every knife and sharp edged thing that we had in the house, and I locked up all medicines we had, well, everything even remotely dangerous actually.

To be honest, I have to admit that I do blame my mother for being so weak, making me do all that, forcing me to take care of her so much. It wasn't normal to go that deep into grieve. Most people are devastated, yes, but eventually life goes on and the people that are gone will stay in our memories. My mother, however, there was absolutely no sign that she was going to _live_ again. She didn't even see me, her only son, anymore. She was just a shell, living in the past and mourning after what could have been but what can never really be.

We got some financial support from the state, but eventually we were so short on money that I had to take a part-time job. I was worried about getting one. I being gone after school meant that mother had to stay home alone that much longer.

One day, when I was almost at my breaking point I was actually thinking about tying her to the bed so I could be sure she wouldn't do anything to herself. I was just so fucking tired! You can't believe how tiring it is to go to school and work your ass off, only to constantly worry about your own mother, that when you go home you would see her dead on the floor.

Naturally, in a situation like that, I completely became a stranger to my friends. Popular TV shows didn't matter anymore. I lived for my mother and for work, I had to be good at school or I wouldn't be able to support my mother later. That's not exactly normal for a teenager. I think I alienated from the world too, along with mother, and yet I desperately tried to keep her involved.

After a year or so she was getting better. She began to move around the apartment, doing small chores here and there. She even smiled a little a couple of times. I was so relieved. But it didn't last long. Something triggered her depression again, a memory or a reminder of father. I wrecked my head trying to think what could have done it. I had made sure that every picture, every item he had used, every single gift, was out of the house, packed into boxes that were stored into our old family friend's garage.

Just imagine _my _depression when I realized that the item that had pulled my mother back under, was the thing that I probably should have gotten rid of before anything else. Because of my stupidness she was once again one sobbing mess, weeping over her wedding ring. It nearly broke me too.

As for Sesshoumaru, after that night I didn't see him again. He just disappeared from our lives. That didn't mean I stopped thinking about him. Actually, I think I probably wouldn't have become so obsessed about him if my life hadn't been so…hard…at the time. He was like my lifebelt in the sea of despair; I hang onto that little bit of kindness that he had given me before I had to grow up before it was my time. In my mind I thought that for that one moment my beautiful brother had loved me. I didn't really get much love back then.

I thought about him all the time. Especially when the situation started to be too much to handle, when I thought I would break. It helped to think about him, I tried to recall that soothing, warm feeling he had given me.

Sometimes I was angry. At myself, mostly, but also to my mother, sometimes even to Sesshoumaru. I was angry at myself that I hadn't left with him when he had asked me to come with him. I cursed myself for being so stupid. I was angry at her for being so weak, making me unable to leave her, and I was angry at Sesshoumaru because he hadn't dragged me with him.

Of course I knew that not in under any circumstances Sesshoumaru would ever drag anyone along with him. He didn't need to and he certainly didn't want to. If you really wanted to be with him, he didn't drive you away, and if you wanted to follow him, he let you, but he never ever told you where he was going, never said words like 'follow me' nor did he seek for company of any kind. That's why I felt special that he had come to my room that night. It was very unlike him, and I loved him for it.

About two and a half years after my father's death - I was seventeen at the time - my mother followed him. She was in a really bad shape before it happened. I couldn't get her to eat anymore. She just lay still and muttered something. Sometimes she was talking to father, believing that she was welcoming him home after he came from work. Sometimes she thought she was cooking and sometimes she talked to me. She thought I was five and she was teaching me to drive a bike or something else as silly.

The last three weeks she was alive, I pretty much spent all my time in the hospital she was in. The doctors did what they could, but she was way past the point of help. Now I think I should've gotten her help a lot sooner, but how could I have known that it would turn out to be so bad? I was fifteen and just lost my father, how the hell was I supposed think that my mother would go mad and die a few years later.

The doctor noticed my agony and how I blamed myself. He was kind; he told me that she would have probably died a lot sooner if I hadn't been there for her. Funny enough, hearing that did help me to get over it, at least a little bit. Though, sometimes, when I was too deep in my sorrow, I couldn't help but think that it would've been easier for the both of us, if she had simply killed herself a lot earlier, just like she tried so many times. I thought that perhaps I shouldn't have stopped her. I hated myself for thinking that. I loathed myself, still do.

But every time the situation was that bad, Sesshoumaru was there to hold me. He wrapped me in his arms and rocked my body gently, whispering in my ear with that voice I so loved.

You see, after mother died, Sesshoumaru reappeared. I was sitting in the hospital's corridor, trying to hold back tears, when I saw him. My heart skipped a beat, I can still see it with my mind's eye, the way he looked that day.

His hair was as white as ever, with silvery highlights. It was tied into a lazy ponytail and it lay on his left shoulder, falling down his chest like moonbeams. He still had that long leather jacket, which floated around him as he walked. He had a new piercing, a ring on his bottom lip. The shirt underneath the jacket was tight around his torso, making my mouth water, for it didn't leave any room for imagination. His black jeans were so low down his hips that I couldn't help but think that it would only take a one gentle tug before they fell down his legs and revealed…

Somewhere in the back of my mind I wondered how I could be so horny even though my mother had died just moments ago.

Sesshoumaru looked as serious as ever as he walked towards me. For some reason I was glad he didn't smile when he saw me. I didn't want anyone to smile that day, it felt like an insult to her. I know that's stupid but no can do. He sat next to me on the bench and didn't say anything. I didn't look at him.

I've always thought that Sesshoumaru is actually very sensitive to other people's feelings. I know that if I told that to anyone, they'd probably laugh, but I know I'm right. Sesshoumaru doesn't say much but when he does, it's the right thing. Also, if he wants to insult someone, he knows exactly where to strike. He knows when it's better to say nothing, and he can answer to questions before they're being asked.

Like then, I was feeling abandoned and alone and he knew what to do. I didn't want to hear comforting words or condolences, and I definitely didn't want to hear the fucking social workers idiotic questions. What I did want to know - what was going around and around in my mind - was why the people I love were constantly leaving me behind.

"I came to ask if you'd like to come with me now", Sesshoumaru broke the silence. My head snapped to his direction and I stared at him eyes wide. My heartbeat was erratic.

"Really? You're not going to just take off?" I had to confirm. It felt like a dream, a dream I had already seen so many times. To be with Sesshoumaru, how wonderful that would be.

"No Inuyasha", he looked at me seriously, with those eyes that never lie, "I will go. Away from here. I can't stay here, though this time you could come with me, if you want."

He left me room to walk away. It's just as I said earlier, he won't take anyone with him, he simply allows them to come along. Now that my mother was gone there was no chance anything could have kept me away from him, if he was willing to take me.

"I want" I answered. I was surprised how even my voice was.

He looked at me closely, his eyes wandered over me and I felt hot. "You look horrible", he stated and his lips curled disapprovingly.

"I haven't exactly had enough time to mind what I look like…" I muttered and tugged the hem of my shirt self-consciously.

"I just meant that you could use a bath and rest. You didn't have those dark circles around your eyes before."

"Well a lot of shit happened, okay? It's not like you were here to help, right?" I spat angrily. I regretted it immediately. At that moment my last thread of hope was that Sesshoumaru would take me away, and now I was spouting crap at him. Not a good start.

He didn't look like he minded though. He nodded slowly and kept staring at me. It was like he was trying to see through me, into some place I wasn't sure I had. Once again the old feeling of not being worthy filled me. My sight clouded as the tears came and fell down my cheeks. He didn't say anything. He lifted his hand and swept the wet lines away from my face. His touch was just as tingling and burning as I remembered, I leaned into it.

He pressed his forehead against mine and we sat like that for a long time, just like no time had passed since last time, even though I had grown quite a bit during those years. I looked like a man now, I was almost as tall as he.

Finally he leaned away from me, but he kept stroking my cheek gently. "I need to go and have a word with that bitch", he said quietly, a flash of annoyance in his eyes.

For some reason I felt like laughing, I didn't though, but he probably knew I was amused. "Who's this bitch?" I asked curiously. It was rare to see him so obviously pissed.

He huffed. That was the first one… "That fucking social bitch. When I told her I'd take care of you until you're of age she looked at me like I was some punk from the hood. Seriously…"

I had never heard him rant like that before. He doesn't like people looking down on him. Usually when someone does something like that, he goes overboard and does something even more shocking than the thing people had been shocked about. I think it annoyed him immensely that the situation being what it was, he couldn't stuck his tongue down the social workers throat, make her breathless and crazy with want and then tell her that she sucked at it and he had once again confirmed that he was gay. If he did that, he definitely wouldn't have been allowed to look after me, even though it would only be about four months.

"I mean, none of my tattoos are showing or anything and I didn't put any chains on 'cause I was in a hurry…" he kept mumbling.

"I don't know, Sesshoumaru, I think those piercings of yours are pretty fierce, too. Did you get new tattoos? At least that's new, right?" I touched the ring on his lip.

His tongue slipped out of his mouth and touched my fingertip. "Yeah, that's new", he murmured and I felt the familiar heat grow stronger in my pants. "And as a matter of fact I do have some other new things as well, but I don't think I can show them to you here…" His expression was very suggestive. I had to swallow and pinch myself to be able to keep my mind on the right track.

He chuckled – oh that wonderful, wonderful sound I had missed – and then he rose from his seat. "Take whatever you have with you here. We're leaving as soon as I'm finished with the bitch."

And so I was reunited with my beautiful brother. He helped me through it all, funeral, school transfer and all the other shit that followed. I'll always be grateful for it. I don't know what I might have done without his support. I lived with him in his apartment (which was surprisingly big). He had moved there when he left home after father's funeral.

Sesshoumaru was always there for me in his quiet I-don't-want-to-reveal-too-much-of-my-thoughts-to-you manner, but to my great disappointment and surprise – we never got really intimate again. There was tension, a lot of it, at least on my side, but we didn't…_do_ anything. He held me when I freaked out and he touched me a lot, but it never got beyond that.

I think it's mainly because of me. Like I've said before, Sesshoumaru doesn't really initiate anything. If I had gone to his room and asked him to hold me, _really_ hold me, I think he might have done it. If I had been courageous enough to really _touch_ him, I think he would have responded. But I didn't, and that's the one thing in my life that I truly regret, because it was something that I could have so easily changed.

Despite the constant tension and sparks we lived together rather peacefully. I went to school and did what I was supposed to. I didn't go out, mainly because there wasn't anything I wanted to do and partying didn't feel like the right thing for me, I guess I thought it would be disrespectful to my mother (again, I now it's stupid…).

Sesshoumaru, however, he was out a lot. Sometimes he was gone for days before he came back. He never explained where he had been, and I never asked. I didn't really want to know. I kind of knew anyway, it was only natural that he would want to go and hook up. I mean, he was, and still is, a very popular guy. Well, not that it matters anymore. He has _him_ now after all…

Besides, it's not like I wasn't used to him going away for long periods of time. He used to do that all the time when father was alive and we all lived together…as a family. Of course, what I didn't know at the time was the reason why he went out. It was completely different than it had been before.

I found out the reason one night when I came home sooner than expected. I was supposed to spend the night at our old family friend's house, you know, the one who kept all my father's stuff in his garage. I wanted to pick up some things from that pile of stuff - some of the things were actually my mother's - and they had invited me to stay over. Their house was pretty far away from Sesshoumaru's place so I had agreed, they were very nice people.

However, when I was there, I felt incredibly uncomfortable. I wanted to go home where Sesshoumaru was. That's when I decided that it was time for me to get over myself and confront my brother. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to return the favor he had given me on that night almost three years ago. I had had these fantasies about him - his hands, lips and expressions - for so long that I felt stupid that I hadn't done anything to make them real now that I had the chance.

So I went back.

And I saw something…amazing…and disturbing.

I opened the door to the apartment and stepped inside but instead of lights and Sesshoumaru coming out of the shower to greet me, all I could see was darkness. First I thought that brother had gone out, like he did on most nights, but then – just as I was going to put the lights on – I heard a moan. And then I heard the voices.

As quietly as I could I walked to Sesshoumaru's bedroom door. I cracked it open and peeked inside. My body froze as I saw the sight in front of me. It was horrible and yet strangely arousing at the same time. It was also the first time I saw _that person_.

There were two naked and equally good looking men on the bed. One of them was my brother, the other one was perhaps a little bit taller and dark haired. When he turned his head I could see his eyes were a strange shade of brown, and I could swear there was a glint of red in there. He had a lean body and an evil smirk in a handsome face. His hair was almost as long as Sesshoumaru's, but this person's hair was wavy and just as black as Sesshoumaru's was white. I immediately hated him, though I didn't know why.

The scene in front of me could only be described as obscene. My beautiful brother was tied to the bed, legs spread wide. I could see _everything_. His flushed face, gorgeous, sweaty body and its rippling muscles under the pale skin, hard nipples (one of them was pierced, that was a new one) and his pulsing, hard cock that leaked from the tip. The other man was just as hard as my brother was, but one glance at them was enough to tell that this wasn't one of the normal sex scenes.

The strange man was holding a vibrator in his hand, and I could see lots of other stuff next to him on the bed, though I couldn't see so clearly that I could have told what they were. I was sure, however, that they weren't probably made to feel people comfortable when they were used…

Sesshoumaru was breathing hard and I could tell they had been doing it for quite a while already. I squeezed the doorframe and despite myself I could feel my body reacting. My pants were beginning to feel tight.

"Ah, my lovely Sesshoumaru…" the strange man's voice washed over me. It was smooth and silky and somehow very dangerous. I knew immediately that this was no ordinary man. "You seem to be very energetic today, eh? Now why might that be?" he continued and played with the vibrator. He turned it on and off and on again. It buzzed and twisted and I could see Sesshoumaru looking at it with a strange expression on his face.

"Naraku", he said almost demandingly, "stop this foolishness and get on with it!"

The person called Naraku frowned irritated. "I don't think you're in a position to make demands, sweetheart", he said mockingly.

He lowered the buzzing vibrator to trace a line over Sesshoumaru balls. He moaned and bit his lip. Naraku leaned over him and kept moving the vibrator over his skin. "Remember why you're with me. You want me to treat you like this, yes?"

And then he suddenly thrust the vibrator inside Sesshoumaru, who cried out and arched his back. Naraku's evil smile widened, and despite his rough movement earlier his hand gently caressed my brother's skin, only to scratch it painfully a moment later. I could hear the vibrator inside Sesshoumaru, it made surprisingly loud noise, and apparently Sesshoumaru was starting to enjoy it, for he was panting harder, making sounds that went straight to my groin, and his cock twitched in need of attention.

Naraku clicked his tongue disapprovingly. "That's not right, Sesshoumaru… You're not supposed to enjoy this so much, you know. It kind of ruins my mood. Why don't you cry a little, hmm? For me?" He smiled and thrust the vibrator deeper, before turning it to buzz even louder, I guess it must have been doing some wicked things inside Sesshoumaru.

The smirker seemed to enjoy seeing Sesshoumaru throw his head back and moan. His hips rose from the bed and for a second I thought he was undone, but right then, when he was nearly at the point of release, Naraku gripped his member and squeezed hard, making my brother cry out in pain.

"Not yet, my dear", he whispered and twisted the vibrator. "Not yet."

His mouth traveled across Sesshoumaru's skin until he reached his nipples. I couldn't see clearly what he was doing, but he spent lots of time mouthing the nipple with the piercing. "This looks good on you. I'm glad I made it for you…" he murmured and I could see him pulling the steel ring with his teeth, Sesshoumaru groaned.

I was shocked. Was this the man that was constantly piercing my brother? Was this the person that made him look like a pincushion? Up until that point I had always thought they looked good on him, but for some reason I know wanted to remove all of them.

The show in front of me went on. Part of me didn't want to see it. That part wanted to run away and forget I ever saw anything, but the other part of me (the lower one actually) wanted to see everything. That part was enjoying it a little bit too much.

Then many things happened at the same time. Naraku bit the skin hard enough to draw blood, he thrust another devise into Sesshoumaru's hole and released his hand from his cock. At the moment the new devise was fully inside Sesshoumaru, he came with a force I hadn't seen before. White seed flew to his stomach and he threw his head back trembling from head to toes.

When it was over, he laid still, his head turned the other way, panting heavily.

Naraku laughed. "Oh no, Sesshoumaru. You can't give up yet. Your punishment game is only starting. Should we try to break a record? How long was it that you spent at my place doing this? Two days..?"

When I heard what the man said my mind froze completely and I gasped loudly.

He heard it and turned to look at the door. His smile widened as he saw me thought the crack. "Well, well, well… What do we have here…? What do you say Sesshoumaru, should we asked him to join us? That might be surprisingly delicious."

Sesshoumaru seemed to become aware of his surroundings again and he turned to look at the same direction as Naraku was looking. When he saw me, the post-orgasmic haze left his face, and the look he gave me was enough to make me want to cry and run away.

--

--

_Happy Christmas Eve!! This was the second part. I'm so not sorry about the cliffie here ^^ My computer is being a bigger bitch than me so we'll see if I mange to post this on (in?)time... This story is actually like a life saviour for me, 'cause if I wasn't writing this, I would have to sit with my family. Bloody family holdays *lots of cursing* Oh well, at least I don't have to deal with all this tomorrow. I hope you're having a good time, though! ^^ By the way, writing this story is quite time consuming 'cause I promised to update so frequently. Because English is my third language it takes me a lot of time to write a chapter like this. Seriously, it takes hours and hours... But it's just so much fun, right?_

_Okay then, until tomorrow! We continue with the smuttiness._

_Love, Val_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Hello there! I'm so sorry it took me so long to update *cries* I even got PMs demanding the next chapter… **_

_**Remember how I last time told you that my computer was acting bitchy? Well, it broke down the next day. I can't really get it to work still, but I hope I manage to post two releases today before the fucker dies on me again. Anyway, as an apology I give you a nice little treat: eight pages of smuttiness seasoned with some angst. Enjoy yourselves!**_

Part 3

_Oh I see your scars I know where they're from  
So sensually carved and bleeding until you're dead and gone  
I've seen it all before beauty and splendor torn  
It's when heaven turns to black and hell to white  
Right so wrong and wrong so right_

_~HIM, Beyond Redemption_

The look on Sesshoumaru's face froze me. I couldn't believe my brother could look like that. First he was shocked, then horrified, then almost scared, and then, finally, so very sad. I had never seen anything that devastating, and mind you that I took care of my mother…

His golden eyes were fixed on mine and he slowly mouthed my name without a sound. I wanted to touch his face and stroke the hair away from his face, but something was keeping me glued to the spot I was standing.

The other man kept smiling evilly. "Don't be shy, Inuyasha. Come here. I'm sure your brother wants to see you properly."

The desperation on Sesshoumaru's face was growing stronger. He tried to fight against the shackles that kept him tied to the bed, but there was nothing he could do. "No, Naraku, don't!" he hissed desperately to the man and tried to kick him.

Naraku slapped him on the thigh. "Shut up!"

"Don't hurt him!" I shouted before I even registered that the words were coming. I ran inside the room and went straight to Sesshoumaru. I had to remove the shackles, I just had to. My hands didn't work though, and my brother's voice made me unsure.

"Inuyasha, get away from here now!" Sesshoumaru growled at me and tried to move his hands further away from me so I wouldn't be able to touch him. "Please…" he finally begged when I didn't move.

To be honest, it did hurt that he wanted me to leave. In a way I wanted to leave, which was painful in itself, because that meant that I was willing to leave my beautiful brother to _that_ person. Then again, Naraku's invitation still rang in my ears (and my groin). The idea of being able to really _touch_ Sesshoumaru was something that I had dreamt of for so long.

I allowed my eyes to wander over his body. Now that I was closer I could see things I hadn't before. Every muscle in his body was tensed, probably because he knew I was looking. I saw the piercing on his nipple and the tattoos he had on his ribs. His flawless white skin was glistening with sweat and the urge to touch him grew stronger inside me.

"Go on and touch him", Naraku's silky smooth voice whispered in my ear. I hadn't noticed that he had moved to stand behind me. "I know you want to. Your eyes are burning…just like your beloved brother's"

I felt his hands on my sides and I tensed. He let out a quiet chuckle. "Hmm… Now what do we have here?" he whispered when his hand slid over my hard cock. "Look at this Sesshoumaru. Aren't you glad, you obviously have a great effect on him? You seem to be in a quite _though_ situation at the moment, Inuyasha."

"Get your hands off me!" I growled and slapped his hands away. I turned around to face him – I wanted so much to punch his teeth in – but he was quicker. He pushed me, and the next thing I knew, I was laying half on top of Sesshoumaru, my face only inches away from his. He looked at me terrified.

"Please, Inuyasha. Leave now", he said to me and his eyes begged me to listen, to do as he wished.

Of course I kind of wanted to. I mean, I would have done anything for him, but Naraku really knew how to push my buttons, and apparently Sesshoumaru's too. He has always been good at it. He still is.

"No Sesshoumaru, my dearest. Your lovely brother isn't going anywhere. He can't, not when you are so deliciously vulnerable in front of him. Besides, you seem to be begging a lot more when he's actually present; I rather like that as I'm sure you know."

"Naraku, this was not part of our deal!"

The man in question flashed his evil smirk and this time it showed his teeth, too. I felt myself shiver. There was something about that man… "Perhaps I'm getting tired of our former deal, my dear Sesshoumaru", he hissed and his fingers entwined with Sesshoumaru's hair. Suddenly he pulled his head up so that their mouths met in violent kiss.

Sesshoumaru tuned his head away from the kiss. The side of his mouth was bleeding. Naraku looked at him and for a moment I thought I saw something…tender…in his maroon eyes. It was soon gone though. He licked the blood off of my brother's face.

"Why don't we get this over with once and for all, Sesshoumaru? I'm getting seriously tired of you brothers messing up my life."

I had absolutely no idea what was going on between them, but I was starting to feel that the man knew more about me and Sesshoumaru than I would have liked him to. I didn't know a single thing about him (except that he was doing obscene things to my brother) but he was making it very clear that he _knew._

They seemed to forget my presence for a second as a wordless conversation was shared between them. For a moment I felt like I was a complete outsider, an unwanted third wheel next to two lovers. The other one was bound and bleeding, covered in cooling body fluids, and the other one was gripping his hair in a way that was obviously painful, pinning him to the bed. Despite all that, the intimacy between them was unquestionable, and it made me ache in places I didn't know I had.

Finally Sesshoumaru nodded. "If you think so…" he murmured. "But you have to get these shackles off. I don't want it to be like this."

It was Naraku's turn to nod. He began to unlock the handcuffs. "Little brother, take the robes off his legs", he said to me in a way that didn't leave any room to argue. Sesshoumaru's expression encouraged me to continue, so I got up and crawled to the other end of the bed to untie the robes.

As my hands worked I studied my brother. His expression had changed. It was now just like it usually was, full of power and unyielding confidence. It made me think that I had been momentarily insane to think that he had looked vulnerable at some point.

"Sesshoumaru, I…" I started but trailed off. The words didn't come out. Sesshoumaru sat up and came closer to me. His hands cupped my cheeks and he pressed his forehead against mine.

"I know Inuyasha. Don't say anything…" he murmured. The gold in his eyes was smoldering.

"Aww… How cute you brothers are. Makes feel all warm and giddy inside", Naraku said his tone strangely flat. He pushed himself between us, breaking us apart.

"Okay, here's the deal, little brother. You do as I say and we can go through this nicely. Sesshoumaru can otherwise get a bit too excited, don't you my dear?" He stroked my brother's chest and then moved to pinch the nipple without a ring. He gave a little moan. "See what I mean?"

I was beyond confused. It all seemed like a dream to me, I just wasn't so sure was it a good one or a just a horrible nightmare.

I was in a bed with my brother and some weird man I didn't know, the only thing I knew was that I had just seen him stuffing things inside my brother.

Yeah… I so felt like doing what he says…

"What the fuck is going on here Sesshoumaru?" I asked from my brother, trying my utmost to ignore the other man.

Sesshoumaru didn't look me in the eyes though. It was so obvious that he was trying to avoid me, even though I could see much more of him than he probably would have wanted to. He swallowed hard and leaned towards Naraku as if he was trying to seek support from him.

Naraku moved to sit behind Sesshoumaru and wrapped his arms around his chest. He stared at me challengingly. "Well, Sesshoumaru, aren't you going to tell him. Let it all out, you'd feel so much _better_ afterwards." He licked my brother's ear after saying it, still looking straight at me.

I wondered why the word 'better' came out of his mouth like it was something bitter and foul. The man was a mystery to me, I had no idea how I should react to him, and so I just kept my eyes on Sesshoumaru, hoping that he'd clear the situation for me.

Finally he looked at me. His eyes were clouded by some emotion I couldn't name and his words were strained. "You really should leave Inuyasha…"

I'd do anything for him, and I did want to leave so I could pretend it had been just a dream, but right then Naraku began to caress his body. His hands slid across the skin knowingly, touching every sensitive spot that he knew made brother shiver, until his hand was sliding up and down his hardening cock, making my mouth water.

"No, Sesshoumaru, he can't leave", Naraku whispered and continued his ministrations. "Can you, Inuyasha?"

At that point my mind was already clouded with numbing white haze and the pressure in my jeans was getting so uncomfortable that I wanted to rip the bloody denim off of me. Naraku knew it, that fucking bastard. Like I said, he knew where and when to push.

"Take your clothes off", he said as his other hand cupped Sesshoumaru's balls, making him moan.

Finally I complied. I stood up and got rid of my clothes without giving a single thought to the fact that they'd see me naked or that what I was about to do was probably _the stupidest thing I could ever do_. No, I didn't think of that, I don't think I thought much of anything right then. The only thought that was in my head was wonder of how Sesshoumaru could be so utterly gorgeous.

I climbed back to the bed and sat in front of my brother. He was between Naraku's legs, his back against his chest. His head was resting on Naraku's shoulder and his lips were parted as he let out delicious sounds which were caused by Naraku's talented hands.

"Touch him", I heard a smooth voice in my ears. The voice was like it was coming from all around me, even though I knew it was Naraku who spoke. As much as my brother is intimidating, Naraku is bewitching. I've come to notice that over and over again during these years.

Finally, after so many hours and _years_ of longing, I was really able to touch him. My hand was trembling as I reached out to touch him, and when my fingers met his white smooth skin, it was I who whimpered. I let my unsure hand move across his toned chest, tracing the lines of his muscles. I was mesmerized; all I could do was watch my hand move on him, it was so unreal. Then my eyes caught sight of the pink nipple and I licked my lips.

"Taste him", the velvety voice whispered from somewhere through the haze.

And I did as the voice said. My mouth closed around the nub and my tongue tasted the skin underneath. It was sweeter than anything I've ever tasted, with a salty twist caused by sex and sweat. It was like aphrodisiac to me and it went straight to my groin.

My tongue swirled and licked around the nipple and I heard Sesshoumaru groan. The knowledge of the fact that it was I who had caused that sound to come out of him made me almost swoon.

"Go lower."

I did. I kissed my way down his chest and I felt a pair of hands sliding through my hair, gripping it. The slight tug was pleasant and made me even more eager.

I stopped when I reach his hard cock.

I would like to point out that despite my lusting after Sesshoumaru for ages, I had never actually been with a man before. It's not like I'd had any time to date, my life being what it was. Besides, manwise it was always only him. So now that I was, uh, face to cock with the real situation, as turned on as I was, I sort of freaked out.

But, just like he always is, Naraku was one step ahead of me. His voice rang in my ears, leaving me no room to back off. Not that I really wanted to anyway.

"Watch", he said. Of course I did just that. At that point I would have done anything he told me to. I began to sort of understand why Sesshoumaru would agree to do the things he did with him.

I think my eyes widened larger than humanly possible when I saw what Naraku wanted me to watch. Right there in front of my eyes he pushed his fingers inside Sesshoumaru. I think I let out a muffled groan as Sesshoumaru moaned in pleasure.

"See, he likes it", Naraku said and moved his fingers inside him, adding a third one.

Suddenly Sesshoumaru made a sound that was completely different than the others he had made. He threw his head back and his hips bucked closer to me.

I heard Naraku chuckle. "There's a special place here that makes him do that. Would you like to find it?"

Without even thinking about it I nodded and my fingers were next to Naraku's before I registered moving my hand. The man removed his fingers making my brother whimper because of the loss.

I gulped once before I carefully pushed one digit inside the hole. It was so hot and soft. My own cock was starting to feel painful because of lack of attention, but I was far too eager to do what I was doing to pay attention to my own need of release.

"You can add another one, hell, put in the whole lot, he's ready, I assure you", Naraku said sounding almost amused.

I hesitated, but Sesshoumaru pushed his hips to meet my probing finger. I took that as an encouragement and pushed two more fingers inside, moving them in and out. I groaned when he tightened around me.

"Try to find the place where he feels it the most", Naraku murmured. His black hair was falling over Sesshoumaru's shoulder as he tried to see what I was doing. Despite my hate for the man I couldn't help but think that the contrast between black and white made my brother look even more gorgeous in his arms.

Before my thoughts managed to become any more coherent, I did something that caused the haze in my mind grow thicker than ever before.

My fingers had found the special spot inside Sesshoumaru, and when my fingertips touched the place, Sesshoumaru almost screamed. For a moment I couldn't breathe. Pleasure filled me as I watched my strong brother wither in front of me because of something that I had done. I almost came then and there, but once again Naraku was fast to take control over the situation.

"Remove your fingers, we don't want him to come yet or this will be over that much sooner. He is very sensitive to you."

If I had been more coherent at the time I might have wondered what he meant, but as I was, no sane thoughts entered my brain. I was a horny teenager whose thoughts revolved around his cock and his lust for his brother.

Good god that sounds bad…

Naraku shifted behind Sesshoumaru and soon it was my back he was pressed against to. Sesshoumaru looked at him with suspicion but he just smirked in return and placed his head next to my ear. I could feel his hot breath, and his velvet voice was even more powerful when it was so close.

"Would you like to feel that pleasure too, Inuyasha?" he whispered. As he spoke to me he held Sesshoumaru's burning gaze with his maroon eyes. "Would you like to feel your brother inside you?"

When he said the words 'your brother' I froze completely. It was a completely different thing to think about the words in the privacy of your own head than to hear someone else say them to you, especially in that sort of situation. I heard Sesshoumaru hiss.

The fear and doubts left me soon enough though, when Naraku grabbed my cock and stroked it with a rhythm and sureness that showed it most definitely wasn't his first time doing it.

I moaned despite myself. It was Sesshoumaru's touch I graved, but I was in such a state of arousal that anyone's touch would have been only a relief.

"Sesshoumaru, give me the lube."

I barely registered the words not to mention thought about the meaning behind them, but it didn't take long before I felt something slick move over my balls toward…

"Hey, what the hell are you doing?" I asked. My head was suddenly very clear.

"Prepping", was the simple answer.

I was going to protest – hell, I was ready to kill the fucking bastard – but then I saw the expression on Sesshoumaru face and I thought it was better to keep quiet. He was staring hungrily at me, at the fingers that were circling around my hole. I think I would have been ready to do anything in order to keep him looking at me with that expression.

And, of fuck, I had to admit it felt good.

When the first finger entered me I gritted my teeth. The burning sensation changed to something else entirely when, without any apparent difficulty, Naraku found that special place I hadn't known I had. I knew why Sesshoumaru had screamed.

Shit, it was so good, and the sight of Sesshoumaru licking his lips made it even more so.

Naraku added another finder and made scissoring movements inside me. I gritted my teeth again, but then happened something unbelievable. My eyes (that I didn't remember closing) snapped opened as a warm feeling surrounded my cock.

Sesshoumaru had taken me in his mouth and his tongue was doing some wicked things I didn't thought was possible for any tongue to do. I moaned loudly, almost embarrassed by sounding so wanton, but quite honestly, I didn't really care.

Naraku chuckled next to my ear and to my great surprise the resonating sound traveled down my spine and straight to my cock. "He's rather good, isn't he?" he said and his free hand petted Sesshoumaru's head adoringly. Somewhere at the back of my hazy mind I thought it was a strange thing to do in a situation like that.

When Sesshoumaru sucked the tip of my cock and Naraku's fingers stroked the spot inside me at the same time I almost came. However, my cry of release was changed into a cry of pain, when Naraku pushed Sesshoumaru away and gripped so tight hold of me that I felt tears behind my eyelids.

"Let me come!" I shouted, not caring that I sounded so desperate, that I was begging for someone I despised.

"We are just getting to the good part. Open your eyes", he whispered into my ear, and I did exactly as the bewitching voice told me to.

I saw Sesshoumaru in his whole glory, as painfully erect and aroused as I was. "Wouldn't you like to feel what it's like to have this", Naraku reached to touch Sesshoumaru weeping cock, "inside you, hmm?"

The white haze filled my head again. To be connected with Sesshoumaru. Yes, that is exactly what I wanted. So very much.

I nodded and I'm quite sure my eyes begged Sesshoumaru do as was proposed. I don't think I've ever wanted anything as much.

Sesshoumaru moved to give me some space, and Naraku helped me to lie on the bed. My eyes were fixed to Sesshoumaru, his beautiful hair that was falling over his shoulders, his beautiful eyes that were like liquid cold that were now almost amber because of the lust in them, his wonderful and flawless body, the stylish tattoos that covered the skin and the piercings that shone in the dim lightning. The ring on his lip disappeared as he sucked his bottom lip in his mouth.

If I hadn't been so aroused that thinking was impossible, I probably would've been able to read the signs. I'm pretty good at reading my brother, after all. But then I didn't see anything else but his beauty.

And there I was, lying on my back, more than ready to have Sesshoumaru in me.

That never happened though.

Just as he was about to do it, my beautiful, strong brother broke down. That left me more heartbroken than anything else that ever happened between us. Not because he didn't want to do it, but because wanting it hurt him so badly. Right then, at that horrible moment, I realized what a fool I had been. My brother had been fighting against it this whole time. He _blamed_ himself for wanting this. Wanting _us_. It was horrible to see someone that confident and – in my eyes – invincible first shiver and then break into tears.

"I can't do it" he whispered with a broken voice. He looked at me almost pleadingly and his whole body shivered. "I can, I really can't…"

His sobbing became worse and I felt hot tears falling on my chest. Before I really registered what was happening or did anything to help him, Naraku was there.

It was like his whole attitude – no more like personality – changed immediately when he saw Sesshoumaru in that state. He pulled him away from me and wrapped him into his arms, holding him so tightly I thought he might break and rocked his body from side to side.

"It's okay, Sesshoumaru", he whispered over and over again into his hair, stroking his back. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I pushed too far…"

I felt myself as an outsider. The whole air around them changed. They weren't anymore that twisted sex couple playing bondage, or punishment or whatever the fuck it was they had been doing.

They were lovers, and the knowledge of that nearly killed me.

--

--

_I think I'm getting better at this… What do you think?_

_Now I just wish my bloody computer would work._

_Ah, but see you soon! I try to fish my other chapters out of this machine, too, so I can post them._

_Love, Val_


	4. Chapter 4

_When I started to write this, I realized that no one got to come during the last eight pages of smuttines I was so proud of... I'm an idiot. Though that worked out for the best in the end, I think._

_Oh, and I'm so glad people are starting to like Naraku! He's cute, and for some reason every time I write him I get some humor in too... I wonder why that is._

Part 4

After that incident we were broken. We managed to fix it eventually, to some degree at least, but for a long time it was just heartbreaking, and the way to fix it was lost. Surprisingly it was Naraku of all people, who helped. I can't be grateful to him, that would be close to impossible, but I appreciate his effort. Besides, I'm quite sure Sesshoumaru already _thanked_ him…

The beginning point to the road of mending was that same night. I was finally made to realize that I wasn't the only one hurting. I was amazed that I hadn't really noticed it any sooner. People often call me dense, but that was the first time I regretted being like that. It killed me that I was the one causing my strong brother to be so fragile, and it hurt like hell to know that I wasn't the one who could heal him. Ever.

You can't even imagine what it felt like to sit there on the bed and watch how the person I loved, wanted and needed, wept in someone else's arms, being comforted. They were lost in their own little world and I knew immediately that I could never be part of it.

I quietly slipped out of the bed and left the room. I got dressed in my own bedroom and went to the kitchen. I needed coffee, as if it would be able to wake me up from my nightmare.

As I sat there in the kitchen holding my cup, _that_ man came to the room. He had his black jeans on but his chest was still bare and apparently he hadn't bothered to button up the jeans. He didn't say anything, he just walked to the coffee machine, took a cup from the dishwasher and poured himself coffee. It was all so effortless to him that I knew he had done it many times before. Meaning that the man had been in my home many times before, without my knowing. It pissed me off.

He sat down next to me and still didn't say anything, as if he was waiting for me to be the first one to speak. It was like some kind of a silent game, whoever talks first is the ultimate looser. He's good at making you feel that way. Naraku enjoys it, playing with people. He's still like that even now, some things never change…

I wasn't up to be part of his playing though, not after what had happened. I was tired, more so than I remembered ever being. In a way it was much worse than after my parent's deaths.

I put my empty cup away and I was just about to leave the room when he finally spoke. "Sit down."

It was a command, and it annoyed the hell out of me, but I also knew that it was probably one of those very rare times when he agreed to lose in his own game to be able to get something done. Actually, I now know, after all this time I've known him, that that was the one and only time he had done so. With the exception of my brother, of course. He would do anything for him, even deliberately lose.

So, sensing that it was important that I' d hear what he had to say, I sat back on my chair and turned my eyes to stare at him.

He was quiet for a while, just staring back at me. Then he huffed. "I guess you learned that from him…" he muttered. Then with a louder voice he said: "I really can't understand why I bother with you pain in the ass brothers."

"Then why don't you leave?" I spat at him and kept glaring. I wanted to punch him so much.

To my great surprise he laughed. "You think he'd let me?" he asked cocking his head to the side and smirking infuriatingly.

I didn't know what to say to that (and I didn't want to think about the possibility that my brother might need him in some twisted way), so instead I asked again: "What the fuck is going on here?!" It was driving me insane. I knew, and yet I didn't. Moment after moment it was getting clearer that I would never be able to get what I truly desired and I sure as hell wanted to know the reason for it.

"He loves you", Naraku said shrugging. He looked like he was about to yawn.

I had to gather all my self control that I wouldn't smash his nose in. How could he treat something so important with that kind of uncaring manner? I probably would have beaten him up if I hadn't seen that fleck of annoyance flare across his eyes when he looked away from me.

"If he loves me, why is he with you?"

Now there was no doubt about it. When his maroon eyes turned to me, he looked pissed off as hell. "_Because_ he loves you. Now how infuriating is that? For me, that is. You're too dense to appreciate the possibilities." He gritted his teeth and glared at me.

"I don't understand", I muttered and tried to figure it out.

Naraku hit his fist to the table and for the first time that night raised his voice. "Of course you don't get it, you bloody fucking dimwit! If you did, we wouldn't have to deal with this fucking mess! And _he_'s too proud to do anything about it 'cause apparently having to explain himself to someone is beneath him! And now I have to clean up your mess and _believe_ me, I could think of better things to do with my time! For Christ's sake you two!"

I was taken aback by the outburst and couldn't say anything. I waited for him to calm himself by taking deep breaths before I managed to mumble: "Could you explain it to me then?"

"That's what I'm trying to do…" he said, still gritting his teeth and wearing an expression that told me he would have rather been doing anything besides that.

"Umm, where's Sesshoumaru? Shouldn't he be here? How is he?"

"So now you think you care, huh?" Naraku huffed and crossed his arms over his chest. "I slipped him a sleeping pill; he should be out until tomorrow. He definitely should **not** hear what I'm about to say. Mainly because he'd rip me open, but also because I know, he knows, and you s_hould bloody know, _that he wouldn't be able to handle it. You did see him just now, right?"

"Was it my fault?" I asked like an idiot I am. Of course I knew it had been my fault. I just needed to get it confirmed. I was tired of blaming myself all the time. I didn't want to do it unless I had a good reason for it, though something told me that I had more than enough of reasons now, I just didn't yet know what they were.

"It sure as hell was your fault! Not that I wasn't involved this time, though. I don't really like hurting him, despite what you might think, but I'm really getting tired of being a substitute. I guess I sort of snapped."

"Are you saying that you're a substitute for me?" I was in awe. Could it honestly be that Sesshoumaru really…

"You sure are slow. It amazes me that you two have the same genes…"

"Half of them", I corrected automatically.

"Do you think that changes the fact that you're brothers?"

I flinched.

Naraku rolled his eyes. "Hey, I don't judge. Think about it, I was the one trying to get the both of you into bed just now, not that I have any interest in you, to be honest. Sesshoumaru on the other hand, he and his fucking morals, he blames himself for it. He thinks you shouldn't carry the burden."

I wanted to say that I don't quite understand what he was trying to say, but I was afraid of another outburst, and I really needed him to tell me, so I didn't want to anger him unnecessarily. I kept my mouth shut and just clenched my fists.

But as I've said, he has an annoying habit of being one step ahead of you so he already knew what I was thinking about. "You are seriously thick. It would make this much easier for me if you'd just get it already. It's not like I want to have a conversation with my rival."

I blinked rabidly. I could feel my heart breaking again. "Are you and him….? I mean, are you…to him…?" I couldn't get it out of my mouth. The words got stuck in my throat and I tried to swallow.

He understood though. "Of course I am. Do you think a guy like me would bother with other people's messes if I didn't gain something from it?" He smirked and flipped his long hair over his shoulder. "Don't be mistaken Inuyasha, I want him for myself. I have absolutely no intention of helping you two to get together. I just want him to stop agonizing over you."

"It didn't look like you cared for him from where I was standing!" I spat at him and only after the words left my mouth I realized the double meaning behind them.

Naraku laughed. I was starting to hate the sound. It's not like he has an unpleasant laugh, quite the contrary, it's just that he laughs in places where normal people wouldn't. It makes him a bit evil. The red in his eyes doesn't help…

"Oh yeah, that. Well, that's something that Sesshoumaru asked me to do to him, and I can honestly say that I don't mind. I'm sadistic and he knows it. And that wasn't the first time, as you should have noticed."

"Does that mean that…that Sesshoumaru is a masochist?"

"You sure ask some stupid question, kid. No it doesn't mean that, though I think he has learned to appreciate the sensation now. Anyway, the reason he asked me to do that was to distract himself from the other pain he was feeling. He didn't tell me that, of course he didn't, so don't look so surprised, kid. I'm not as dense as you are. I pay attention and actually notice things."

"Why would he do such a thing to himself?" I muttered and shook my head. My hands were shaking and I suddenly felt very cold.

Naraku frowned. "I already told you."

"Huh?"

He hit me. He actually hit me. Well, it was a slap on the back of my head but hit is a hit. I was stunned. He was starting to lose his patience with me.

"Would you start using your brain? Even if it is for just a second! Think about him and not just yourself for a minute and you might see something besides your own nose!"

It was strange hearing that from someone so obviously self-centered, but I realized he was serious. His feelings for my brother made him concerned and he wanted to help him, but he obviously lacked the knowledge to deal with a serious conversation such as this, so he was troubled now that he had to cope with someone stupider than he.

"Why don't you start from the beginning so I get the whole picture? You can't expect me to work with full capacity after what happened tonight…" I told him and rubbed my head.

He huffed and crossed his arms again. "This'll be a long story…" he sighed before beginning. "I try to make it short. We met six or seven years ago. I'm a tattoo artist and I also do piercings. Sesshoumaru became a regular in our shop after his first piercing. He intrigued me. Usually people with his personality only take a piercing or a tattoo when they're at a turning point in their life, that or someone they loved died. The one's who get them for just the hell of it are a totally different species compared to your brother.

"Anyway, the type that Sesshoumaru should represent all has the same traits in them as they sit in the chair. When we do our work on them, they think about whatever it is they're going through and usually they talk about it too, to distract themselves from the pain. Think of it as something similar to women and their hairdressers, just a bit more intense. Sesshoumaru, however, he showed absolutely no signs of _anything_, and yet to me it was obvious that he had a reason behind what he was doing. He seemed like the type who needs a reason for everything. And when the needle touched him, he sighed relieved, even though I knew he wasn't the type to actually enjoy pain itself.

"I think it was his first tattoo that was the turning point for us. He had already come to the shop several times before that, so I was curious. Before he had been very strict about it, only piercings, but now he wanted a tattoo. And not just a small one, might I add, it was a big thing, his whole upper back. I tried to tell him that that's a bit big for a first timer, but he just glared at me and asked if he should get someone else to do it. I laughed and told him I wouldn't let anyone else do it. He was my tattoo virgin."

"Wait", I interrupted his story, "Are you the one who's done the tattoos?"

"Isn't that what I just said?" Naraku said pouting his lips, as if I was a nasty little kid who didn't listen what parents had told him.

"I was just surprised… I thought you were just a pervert who put metal through his nipples. I've always thought that the one in his back was almost as beautiful as him."

"That was the goal. It took me a while to get it done, though, all those details and just the size of it… I loved every minute of it though, I wanted to create something that would take his breath away, I wanted to see his face twitch in pain as I worked on him and I wanted to see him react when he saw the finished piece. I wanted him to react to _something._"

I leaned in closer to him and felt the urge to punch him grow stronger in me once again. "You _wanted_ to hurt him?" I growled, my fists so tight that the knuckles were starting to turn white.

Naraku just rolled his eyes undisturbed by my reaction. "Of course. You should have figured out at least that much by now, you fool. Sadist, remember? Shall I continue?"

I nodded slowly – a little unsure if I should just punch him anyway – but soon I was lost in the story.

"To my great disappointment he was like a gorgeous marble statue as I did my work. He didn't even flinch, which is something I have always wondered, 'cause I assure you it hurts. And when he saw the finished work he simply nodded. Nothing else, just a nod. I'm not sure why I didn't get pissed off. After all that work I expected to get at least a little reward for doing a masterpiece on his skin, but he still looked like he didn't care. Perhaps I didn't get mad because I knew that despite his lack of reaction it meant a lot to him. When I realized that I finally began to understand him. It was an odd sensation. The less he said the more he meant, and I somehow realized what a great pain he was in. Hmm, that didn't make much sense, did it…? Oh well…

"I didn't see him for awhile after that. His back needed time to heal and I think he needed it as well. I started to think that perhaps he thought that he was healing together with his visible scars. Sesshoumaru is like that you know, things like feelings, emotions and thoughts are irrelevant to him unless he can make them concrete. He needed the scars in order to connect the feelings to something. It's like he can see the wound closing and time passing at the same time, so he knows that the inner wounds will scar too. A strange way of therapy, but it worked, at least to some degree (I wouldn't really recommend it to others though). We can let the old wounds scar but we can't prevent the new ones, and those that pierce the old ones again are the most painful ones. He has plenty of those.

"After that one tattoo, I was the only one who he came to, and not just to get something done to him. The first time he came to the shop like that was with a friend, well, a s_pecial_ kind of friend. Do you get offended, kid, if I call him a fuck buddy?"

I frowned. "No. And stop calling me kid!"

"You are a kid."

"Am not! You're not that much older!"

Naraku laughed again. "Sesshoumaru is, what, six or five years older than you, right? Well, I'm a few years older than him, and that makes me close to thirty and over ten years older than you. You're a kid in my eyes, kid. Especially because you're a little stupid."

I looked at him closely. I examined his face and realized that this was the first time I had tried to figure out his age. And I could see why it was hard. He was a very good looking man, which I reluctantly admitted. He also had the type of face that didn't reveal his real age. He could have just as well been in his early twenties or late thirties. I think it's the eyes that make it so hard to tell his age. The odd color and the feeling that he _knows_ make a strange contrast with his good looking face, almost freighting one.

"So do you want or hear this or not?" he asked sounding annoyed that I kept distracting him.

"I don't want to, not really, when I kind of know where it's leading, but I don't have much choice…"

"Wow, the kid can actually do the right thing for once… So where was I…? Oh yeah, the fuck buddy. He had a lot of those. This one wanted to get a tattoo and he had asked where Sesshoumaru had gotten his 'super cool one'. Sesshoumaru brought him to me. He said it was less trouble to just do it than trying to avoid him. So, while I did a stupid corny snake around the guy's bicep (the guy said it was 'awesome, dude'), Sesshoumaru sat there watching. He didn't talk, he just watched me work. When the other guy whined and cried out, your lovely brother smiled a ghost of a smile.

"After I was done with the whiner, he left, but just before Sesshoumaru walked out of the door, I stopped him. I asked why he had brought the other guy here, it didn't seem like something he'd normally do. He said that he remembered I could hurt. Then he left.

"After that Sesshoumaru came to the shop quite often. He sat next to me and watched me work. We didn't speak much, but I managed to get something out of him, I have my ways, you see. But I don't think we need to go into details, let's jump to the moment when something actually happened.

"Our turning point was actually the same as yours. After your charming father's death, Sesshoumaru came to me. I knew your old man had died, your brother had told me. I need you to understand how remarkable that was. Like I said, most people like him get a tattoo when someone dies, but he didn't even consider it. Instead, he told me. Saying it out loud, telling someone, was something that left a far more stronger mark than any tattoo could. After the words fell from his lips, he looked absolutely devastated, I don't think it was just because of your father though. I knew enough to know that he wouldn't grieve too much, and yet there was something making him feel enough for it to show on his face. I didn't comfort him, not my style, not back then, but I told him that if he ever felt like it, he could come to me and I'd make him forget. He said he'd keep that in mind."

Naraku interrupted his story. His eyes were fixed to some faraway place and he was thinking. I tried to ingest what I've heard so far. After some thought it finally occurred to me like a lightning from a clear sky.

"He came to you, didn't he? After he and I… After the funeral… Before he left…" I was horrified.

"Yup. That he did."

"Why?" I cried out.

Naraku sighed. "Haven't you been _listening_? He wouldn't have come to me in the first place if it weren't for you! I know he didn't actually fuck you, but that was enough to drive him over the edge. When he came to the shop it was already night and I was the last one there, as I always am. I like to work during nights. He stood behind the door for a long time before I noticed him and let him in. I had never seen him like that before. It was somewhat disturbing.

"He was shivering and the look of desperation on his face would have been absolutely delicious if it hadn't broken the heart I didn't know I had. Hmm, that was a bit too dramatic sentence wasn't it? Anyway, I asked him what happened, but I didn't expect him to answer, though.

"He said he had finally done it. Actually, he said it over and over again. When I finally got him to calm down, he looked at me with those honest, straightforward eyes of his. He told me to make him forget.

"Well, I didn't know what he wanted to forget but I did know that whatever it was, it made him feel very guilty. So, that's how we established the relationship that you got the privilege to witness. He needed a distraction, one pain dulling the other. He told me all about you the next morning. He feels incredibly guilty that he feels that way for you, he has been for so long already, as if he didn't have enough problems without it. After what he did to you he was so deep in self loathing that it took a long time before he rose even halfway out of it.

"I helped him in my own way every time he needed distraction. As time went by I came to realize that I cared for him, and I know he is the same. I should tell you now that for a long time we haven't had other partners besides each other. Still, he can't help but to be stuck to you in some way I'm not able to cut."

Naraku leaned back in his chair looking like he was finished with his story and staring at me expectantly. I didn't know what I should say, I rarely did with this man. When I didn't say anything after some time he finally snapped. "Well, what are you going to do about it?"

"ME?"

"Yes you", he said like he was talking in a funeral. "You always wait that there would be someone else fixing things for you, that there would be someone to save you. You cling to the possibility that your brother would miraculously turn your life upside down and everything would be good and happy again. Even when you took care of your mother you didn't do it to gain something, her healing or your own happiness, you just did it and hoped that Sesshoumaru would come and take you away. It didn't even cross your mind that you could just contact him!"

His words were cruel and hit me like thousand knives. I needed to hear it though. I knew he was right. I didn't accept his way of putting it, but I knew he was right nonetheless. Still, my teenager's instinct told me to defend myself. "I didn't know his number or address!"

"Ever heard of a phonebook or the Internet, kid? He's one of the best designers in the city, his name's pretty much everywhere. If you ever bother to open a newspaper I'm sure you'll see his name somewhere there. Besides, he has a big office not too far from here…"

"Oh…"

"Hmm, see what I mean? You claim to love him but you've never bothered to really get to know him, have you? You've just built some kind of a heroic picture in your head. He knows it, and it kills him to know that your thoughts about him might change into something less, that if you knew the real him, you'd be disappointed."

"But I – "

"Shut it", he cut me off. "This is actually much more simple than you think. The fact that you're brothers doesn't seem to bother you, so we can sweep that off the table of concerns. The second, much more important thing is this: can _you_ save _him_?"

"I'm not sure I know what you mean by any of this…"

He sifted impatiently in his chair and leaned closer to me. "What I mean is that are you waiting for him to pet your head when you're feeling down and give you an occasional blowjob when you're feeling horny, or could you do the same to him, too. And can you build your own life with your own power, or do you need him to build it for you?

"He's been through much more than you know, more than you've cared to notice. You had loving parents, but his mother left him behind because of some drug dealer, and his father didn't love him – more like despised him – because he reminded him of her, not to mention that they were both unfaithful to each other right in front of him. He once told me he walked in on his mother while she was having an orgy in their living room. He had to earn his own money since he was fifteen so I assure you he's worked his ass off, and yet now, at the age of twenty four, he has a name and a promising career, but a piece of his past (meaning you, kid) keeps haunting him, reminding him of what he did to his little brother. He thinks he needs to make amends."

"So… he took me in out of guilt?"

"You are starting to majorly piss me off, kid. Do you _ever_ think of anyone else beside your own little persona? He took you in because you're his little brother and he loves you. Now it's your job to determine what kind of love he's supposed to have while he's with you. This I can promise though, whatever you decide to do, he'll love you in his way, he'll never stop, he can't. That's just something I have to deal with…"

Naraku rose from his seat gathering his massive amount of hair over his shoulder and started to braid it. "I'm going to bed now, I have to be next to him when he wakes up or he might do something stupid. You think about this, yes?" He left the room looking way more relaxed than normal people would be in a situation like that.

I, on the other hand, spend my night in the kitchen with several pots of coffee, thinking about all the things I had heard from the man I wasn't so sure I completely hated anymore.

Next week I started college and moved out of Sesshoumaru's house.

--

--

_I so want to write Sesshoumaru and Naraku's story behind this... I really want to. Should I? _

_I hope this chapter made at least some sense to you, this was very hard to write. I tend to create diffiult character descriptions and complicated relationship situations between characters, and trying to get it written understandibly in a strange language is just...pain...pure pain... I'm actually fairly good at it in Finnish, but that doesn't really help, does it. Naraku's story and explanation of Sesshoumaru's feelings was hard to write. It's actually supposed to make sense. If something was left unclear please tell me so I can answer/fix/change/explain it later._

_Love, Val  
_


	5. Chapter 5

_**Hello there! I actually have a beta now! Yay! Unfortunately she hasn't yet had the time to check out this chapter, especially 'cause she mainly does my Nar/Ses pieces. Now you have to endure with this version that is full of errors. I got a couple (like ten) so demanding (and mean ^^) PM's that I couldn't help but post this already, even though I REALLY don't want to. I truly appreciate proper threats, you see. They're beautiful to watch…*happy sigh* I replace this with the corrected one after that's done. For now, enjoy what you got. No complains about the language! Grr...  
**_

_A/N: Couldn't help but think that some H.I.M spices things up a little. Again. Well, Ville Valo's deep voice and melancholy lyrics suit my boys this time around so… If you don't know the band, go check it out. Youtube's handy as I'm sure you know._

_You kissed my lips  
With those once cold fingertips  
You reached out for me  
And oh how you missed  
You touched my face  
And all life was erased  
You smiled like an angel  
(Fallen from grace)_

_We've been slaves to this love  
From the moment we touched  
And keep begging for more  
Of this resurrection_

_**~HIM, Resurrection**_

Part 5

Naraku's words had affected me a lot more than I wanted him to know. He would've been annoyingly smug if he had known that he was the one who finally made me make my decision.

That's what I thought, at least, which was incredibly, stupidly, naïve of me. Of course he knew it was because of him, though I figured that out much later. Naraku is a manipulative bastard. I don't even care to know how many times he's already got me. The worst thing about it is that I think Sesshoumaru finds that part of him amusing. Don't you just hate that?

Well, anyway, like I already said, I moved out a week after that. During that one week things were a bit awkward. I didn't see much of Sesshoumaru, though. He was making an effort to avoid me, and to be honest, I didn't really mind. I wouldn't have known what to say to him. I think he sensed that. He probably spent his time at Naraku's shop and his place, and work of course, he's always working.

After the talk with Naraku I really began to wonder what parts of Sesshoumaru's life I was missing. It didn't take long before it hit me that actually, I didn't know anything about him at all. His likes, dislikes, work, friends (though I doubt he has many even now)…nothing.

But the thing that was most horrible to realize was that I wasn't sure if I even wanted to know. My brother was some sort of ideal person to me. I had this certain image of him in my head, and now I realized that actually, I had absolutely nothing to base it on. And I knew, deep in my heart, that I wasn't ready to let that go yet. I needed to have some sort of rock to cling on, I had had already lost everything else.

So I left.

He knew why.

I don't know how much of this the annoyingly perceptive Naraku had told him and how much he knew himself but I know he understood what I was going through.

The only difference was that now _I _knew what _he_ was going through as well, which actually made it harder. Guilt is a heavy feeling.

After I left, he never once contacted me. I didn't know if he was relieved that I left or if he waited for me to come back, but I knew that I was glad that I didn't have to talk to him. I couldn't talk with him, not until I got my head and emotions organized. I owed it to him.

Besides, something told me that there was no rush. When I was ready, he'd be there to welcome me, and he'd listen to what I had to say.

Yes, I did feel guilty for taking him for granted, so shut up.

Anyway, my college life went rather smoothly. I'm not the brightest person out there but I work hard so my grades were about average. Nothing outstanding but I was never in danger of failing. The only thing hindering my life was when I every once in awhile saw my brother's name or picture in a magazine or newspaper. He was very successful in his business.

Sometimes I thought that I should stop reading papers completely. Every time that something reminded me of him, a huge wave of guilt washed over me. I felt like I had betrayed him. Sometimes it was so bad that I couldn't help but get drunk. Dulling my senses seemed like a good idea, but of course we all know just how little alcohol really helps.

The first year was the worst. It got easier after that and the only connection I had to my brother was his name in a magazine. I wondered if he was thinking about me, where I was and what I was doing. Who I was with…

It was useless, I know. Not to mention torturous, but I couldn't help it. I, too, had to meet someone before I managed to come to conclusion about what I should do about the situation. I knew from the beginning that Sesshoumaru wouldn't come to me. He would wait until I was ready to give him an answer.

It took me an embarrassingly long time to give it to him, though. It took all my courage to go back. I was so nervous that I threw up several times on my way there. I even changed my mind and turned to go back about hundred times before I was standing in front of the familiar door. My feet felt like they had cement blocks glued to them as I walked up the stairs.

In front of his door I stopped and took several deep breaths before I knocked. I still had the key but I didn't want to use it. Wouldn't be right to go in using the key if you're been gone for years.

When I finally had the courage to knock, I stood there in the hallway in a consuming agony, almost hoping that he wouldn't open the door. What face should I make? How should I greet him?

All that faded away from my mind when the door opened and I saw my brother behind it, just as gorgeous as I remembered.

"Hey, bro. We need to talk." Perhaps a bit too abrupt greeting, but still, I was surprised how even my voice was. Considering that I had never been that nervous and scared in my life, it was actually pretty close to a miracle.

He stood in the doorway for a while before he talked, looking like a glorious statue carved out of marble. "I know. Come in." His voice was quiet and it betrayed no emotions. It was so like him.

I stepped in and walked behind him to the kitchen.

"Do you want something? Tea, coffee…perhaps a beer?" he asked without looking at me.

"Beer sounds good, thanks."

He nodded and opened the fridge. The silence was thick around us. He rarely talked but this was the first time it felt very extremely uncomfortable, to say the least. Perhaps because I knew what was coming. No matter what, this conversation was not going to be a happy one, which was pretty much why I had avoided it for so long. Yeah, I'm a coward, but trust me, anyone would be in a situation like that.

"How've you been?" I asked when he gave me the beer bottle.

"Busy", was his simple answer. He sat on the corner of the kitchen table and fixed his intense stare at me.

I fidgeted on my feet for a while, trying to come up with something to say. He saw right through me.

"There's no need for useless small talk, Inuyasha. You can say what's in your mind. It's about time, I suppose. I believe this has something to do with the talk you had with Naraku, yes?"

My eyes snapped at him. I wasn't quite sure how to react, especially because I was unreasonably irritated when I noticed that he had imitated the asshole's way of speaking and so much as mentioned his name right after we saw each other after so long. I had to compose myself; it was no time to act childish. The not seeing part was my fault to begin with. "You know about that huh…" I said after a moment and leaned against the kitchen counter.

"He told me."

"I see. How much exactly?"

"There's not much he doesn't tell me. It's kind of the whole basis of our relationship, we tell each other everything. He had an ulterior motive this time, though, but then again, I don't remember a time when he didn't have one. He did say some unnecessary things to you, though."

"How can you be with a person like that? Someone who always has a secret agenda", I huffed angrily and took a pull from the bottle. 'Relationship' he had said… How could he use that word?

Sesshoumaru laughed. It was an unhappy, cold laughter that chilled my bones. "Who exactly should I be with then?"

I sighed. "Yeah, you're right. I've no right to judge. It's just that he's so…so _evil_!"

This time brother looked almost amused. "I kinda like that about him to be honest", he said quietly. His eyes burned holes through me.

I couldn't look him in the eyes. I had planned what I should say to him beforehand, but it seemed like all coherent thoughts and careful planning left me as soon as I walked into that apartment again. The place was like a different world, so painfully familiar and strange at the same time, like a parallel universe I wasn't sure I belonged to.

"Sesshoumaru, I…" I started but couldn't continue. There was a big lump in my throat and a tried to swallow it down.

"Don't force yourself Inuyasha. I know this is hard for you", Sesshoumaru said. His voice sounded a bit off. I gathered all my courage and looked at him. He was frowning and biting his lip ring. His eyes were fixed on the floor.

"It's not me who this is hard to", I said and put the beer bottle to the counter. I crossed my arms and took a deep breath. I had to say it. "I have something to tell you."

"Do I want to hear it?" he asked sounding bitter. For a moment I felt so sorry for him I almost gave up on the idea of being honest with him. Perhaps I should just comfort him. Then I heard Naraku's annoying voice in my head and I realized doing that would be much crueler considering what I was about to tell him.

"No, you don't want to hear it, but I have to tell you anyway."

"You've grown up during the past years." His tone still had that bitter note that I didn't like at all.

"I certainly hope so. I've tried to."

"So what is this thing I don't want to hear you say?" He gripped the table so hard that his knuckles were white.

I swallowed again before I answered. "I have a girlfriend."

He looked at me in shock. It's not a look he has on his face often. During that short moment I could see all kinds of emotions on his beautiful face. It took all I had not to go and embrace him.

"You…you…A girlfriend?" It was hard for him to get words out of his mouth. His hands were shaking.

I steeled myself. "Yeah. Her name is Kagome. She's a good woman. The kindest I know. I need that, Sesshoumaru, kindness, just like you need Naraku and his...quirks."

His jaw was tight and lips a thin line as he thought about what I had said. "I understand", he finally said and looked at me with those intense eyes that saw right to my soul. I wasn't sure if he really understood, though, but I was sure that Naraku would explain it to him if necessary.

"Are you happy?" he asked and his voice was shaking just a little bit.

"I think so", I said nodding and gave him a sheepish smile. "I'm so sorry, Sesshoumaru", I then whispered and the lump in my throat grew bigger.

"Don't be", he said simply, almost cruelly. "There's no reason to be."

"You know I lo – "

"DON'T!" he suddenly shouted and stood up suddenly, interrupting what I was about to say. "Please don't say it. That I can't take."

I lowered my head. "I suppose I'm not going to hear it either, then…"

"It's better that way. Might make this a little easier. If that's even possible."

"Do you think we can ever stop hurting?"

He swallowed and looked at his feet. "I really don't know."

We were quiet for a while. I wanted to ask him something but I wasn't sure if it was the wisest thing to do. The question might just open up some old wounds, and god knew we already had enough scars. Instead I decided to ask something else. I needed to know about him. The real him.

"Sesshoumaru, there is something I would like to know, though. I mean, I kind of know it already but I'd like to hear it from you."

"What is it?" he sounded tired. I wondered if this was even harder for him than it was to me. I knew the answer to that but I decided it better to not to think about it. My resolve might waver.

"Why _him_? Out of all the people you could have, why did you choose _him_?" Even I could hear the angry tone that crept into my voice. "I know you don't like to talk about this stuff but just this one time, just once, we really should be honest with each other. Could you try to be as open with me as you are with him?"

"Alright then…" His smile looked twisted. "I didn't choose him. I guess that's it. He chose me." He looked at me and I guess it was my puzzled face that made his smile look a little bit more genuine. "When I met him, I was in such a state that anyone would do. I didn't think of myself as worthy of anyone, and yet at the same time my pride didn't allow me to think of anyone worthy enough for me. I kept going from one place to another, trying to find something, anything, to make me feel that I was alive again. Or perhaps I wanted to feel worthy of living, I'm not too sure."

Suddenly he stopped talking. He thought about something for a while before he spoke again. "Naraku told you about tattooing me, right?"

"Yeah. He did. Some of it at least."

"Hmm… It's so long time ago I forgot what he told me about your conversation. He didn't need to give me so many of those sleeping pills. I was disoriented for days, damn it."

"Um, Sesshoumaru? You were saying…?" I didn't really want to think about that night. I had plenty of reasons.

"Oh yeah, right. He just pisses me off sometimes", he huffed.

I was honestly happy to hear that.

"So you know he tattooed me. That's where our bond began. It felt like he had marked me." His eyes looked to the distance as he spoke. The sky outside that window was beginning to turn red as the night grew near.

"Don't get me wrong, Inuyasha, it's not like either of us felt anything special in the beginning. We just fit. I think my mental state intrigued him and I found comfort in the way he didn't really care. Even though he saw the ugliest side of me that anyone could think of, he didn't care, in good or bad. And despite all the crap I poured on him, he still chose me."

"When did it become something special, then?" I asked feeling sharp pain in my chest at the moment the words left my mouth. It was irrational, but I couldn't help it. I didn't really think I had any right to feel betrayed considering that I was the one turning him down.

"I don't know", he said and looked at me. "I really can't say. But it has been years now. Living with him is only half as painful as living without him would be."

"Do you love him?"

He looked directly at me and answered: "I don't know."

I knew he was honest. I also knew he wasn't telling me everything. "What about after tonight? After we get things settled between us?"

He looked just a little bit sad as he spoke. "I guess after tonight I'm going to find out if I can." After a while he added: "I think you're going to do the same with that person."

"Yeah. I am." Yup, my heart was definitely broken. Right at that moment. My torturous first love was coming to an end.

"Is she a good person?" he asked and I could see it hurt him more than he showed.

"You'll like her. Everybody does. She's so good it's almost annoying, but she also knows how to yell at me, which is good, I think. She takes care of me but doesn't treat me like I was made of glass."

"Is it alright if I think that I would rather hate her?" Sesshoumaru said sounding bitter again. "Knowing that she's likeable makes this that much harder, you know." His hands played with his hair nervously as he spoke.

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm so glad I have a real reason to hate _that_ man. He really is a bastard, you know that, right?" I said with just a little too much force.

"He has his good sides too", Sesshoumaru said almost gently. I wished he hadn't done that. Then his expression changed again, he looked pained. "Does it have to be her? Someone like that?"

"She's good for me, Sesshoumaru. I need her. I've lost too much in my life already. She can give me the kind of love I've never had. She can heal me, Sesshoumaru, and I'm strong enough to protect her. We match. I'm not like you, brother. I don't find any comfort in pain, only misery. You need to see your scars to be able to go on. I want to hide them. I want to heal them and go on."

"Yeah, that's always been the difference between us", he said and looked at me gently. "That's why it would have never worked, no matter what the situation, though I guess it's useless to think about 'ifs'."

And there I got the answer to the question I had been afraid to ask. It didn't matter if we were brothers. We probably wouldn't have worked even if we had met as complete strangers. Actually, if we had met like that, it's more than likely we would never have felt this way to begin with. That's why it was of no use to think about what could have been if...

"We only have this one life, Inuyasha. What if we stop wasting it now? Let's try living it for once." He tried to make his voice sound positive, failing miserably. More than anything he sounded like he was about to cry.

"Sounds good", I just said and took the beer bottle in my hand again.

After that we were in a semi comfortable silence for some time. We finished our beers and I readied myself to leave, but something was still nagging in the back of my mind. Something was still left unfinished.

I couldn't figure out what it was until Sesshoumaru brought it up. We were standing in front of the door and I was putting my coat on. He was leaning against the wall. I could sense that he was tense, that something was still troubling him. He didn't look at me like he usually did, instead he was staring at the wall. I didn't push him, though. I waited for him to speak.

"Hey, Inuyasha?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you know what the real difference between us is?" he asked still staring at the wall.

I wasn't sure where he was getting at. "What is?"

"The fact that you've always seen me as your big brother no matter what, but somewhere along the way no, from the very beginning – I've never been able to think of you as my little brother. Never. I had to constantly remind myself of that. I guess that's why I hated myself so much." He turned his eyes to look at me; I could feel the intense stare studying me.

I didn't look at him as I straightened my clothes. Hearing what he had just said shocked me more than I was willing to admit. I didn't want to be selfish, not when I knew that he was hurting so much more. And yet I just had to open my big mouth.

"Are you going to go to Naraku's place after I leave?" I couldn't stop the words from coming out of my mouth. I shouldn't have said that. I looked up at him a little guiltily, cursing in my mind.

He stared back at me with a pair of serious eyes.

"Yes", he said and gave me a wry smile. "I need to."

I cursed myself for asking. The last thing I needed at the moment was to imagine what those two would be doing, what _he_ would be doing to my brother in order to help him forget.

"Don't look like that, Inuyasha. After all, you're going to do the same, aren't you? You'll go to her and try not to think about your twisted big brother."

My eyes widened as I heard the words. I wasn't sure what to say.

He came closer to me and tilted my head upwards. His golden eyes bore into mine. His voice was quiet and tender as he spoke. "I think I'm going to try from now on, to really see you as my brother. Do you think I'll be able to? I'm so tired of hating myself."

Those golden eyes that were so dear to me looked so sad. I needed to comfort him somehow, but I didn't want to make this harder than it already was, so I did what he had always done to me. I pressed our foreheads together and petted the back of his head, sliding my fingers through his silky hair. "I really hope so, Sesshoumaru. Just take your time, okay?"

He smiled at me.

And then I left.

--0—

--0—


	6. Epilogue

**I got it fixed (to some extent) Sorry for the inconvenience.**

Epilogue

"Inuyasha! Are you alright?" Kagome asked and shook my shoulder. "I've been calling you. You were spacing out. It's dangerous when you're holding a knife."

"Yeah, sorry, I was just thinking. What is it?" I asked still a bit confused. Had I just dreamed while totally awake?

"Your brother is calling, can't you hear?"

"Inuyasha! This kid is doing something weird!" Sesshoumaru was shouting from the living room. He sounded like he was about to panic any minute.

"Go see what's happening there before someone gets hurt", Kagome told me and took the salad bowl from my hands. "I'll finish this", she continued smiling.

I nodded and left the kitchen to see what the commotion was all about. I have to admit, it was more than a little funny. Naraku was sitting in an armchair shaking with silent laughter. He knew that he'd be killed for sure if he were stupid enough to make a sound. I couldn't blame him for laughing though. It was hard to keep my own expression in check.

Sesshoumaru was having a battle with my daughter. She had just started to realize what made the difference between a man and a woman and she was very eager to explore this new thing. Sesshoumaru intrigued her immensely because she couldn't quite figure him out. At the moment her hands were _everywhere._ Her little hands were tugging his hair, tracing his tattoos and trying if the piercings would come off. Sesshoumaru was flinching and trying to avoid her, which was pretty difficult for she was sitting on his lap with absolutely no intention of going away anytime soon.

"Inuyasha, _do_ something!" he groaned and tried to push her hands away.

I couldn't help but let out a chuckle. He gave me a glare which I ignored. "Rin", I said then with the firmest daddy-voice I could muster in that situation, "go help mum to set the table. You can carry the plates, okay?"

"But I wanna play with uncle" she whined and tugged his hair again. Sesshoumaru's eye twitched.

"Later. Now go help your mother."

"Okay, dad…" she sighed. Then she turned to Sesshoumaru and gave her a bright smile. "Can we play after dinner, uncle Ses? Pleeease!"

"Only if you stop tugging my hair", he answered and gave her a little smile.

"Okay! It's a dealing!" she chirped trying to imitate a phrase she had heard from TV. I really need to remember to switch it off when I stop watching, who knows what she'll learn otherwise. Rin gave Sesshoumaru a quick kiss before she ran into the kitchen.

It didn't take long before she came back, though. "Oh, daddy, I forgot to ask", she said with bright eyes. That always meant trouble. I automatically tensed, and so did Naraku and Sesshoumaru. "Can I have the same kind of jewels that uncle Ses has? They're so pretty!"

Sesshoumaru's hand flew to cover his lip piercing before he realized that he would need a couple more hands to cover all the piercing he had, like ears and eyebrow and so on.

"Not a chance", we both stated firmly. She looked disappointed but didn't argue any further because Kagome called her to join her in the kitchen.

When she left, Naraku couldn't control his big mouth any longer. "You can so clearly see whose kid she is, yes?" he said raising his eyebrow suggestively.

"Could _you_ please stop agreeing with yourself all the fucking time? It's pissing me off…" I snapped at him before turning towards my brother. "Did she rip anything off?"

"No", he shook his head and there was a smile playing on his lips. "I think everything's still attached. And would _you _kindly shut the fuck up?" He glared at Naraku who had started his silent laughter again.

"I didn't say anything!" he tried to play innocent. Strangely enough Sesshoumaru's glares never seemed to have much effect on him, even though that intense pair of eyes made everyone else shiver and seek for cover. Then again, Naraku was _so_ not normal.

Sesshoumaru just huffed and stood up from the sofa. "I'm going to have a smoke before dinner", he said without any hints of emotions in his voice, but I knew him better than that. It was only a fleeting instant but his eyes found Naraku's, inviting him to join him on the balcony. That silent communication of theirs still managed to piss me off. Not because I was jealous or anything, but because that bastard always looked so damn smug when he knew I noticed it.

"I'll join you in a moment", Naraku said to Sesshoumaru who was already halfway outside the door.

When Naraku was sure he was outside and the door was properly shut, he stood up and walked towards me. After all the years I'd known him, I'd learned to deal with him to some extent, but every time he approached me like that, like a predator ready to catch his prey, I got insanely nervous. It's not like he was ever aiming at me or anything, that's just the way he looks. It's probably the eyes…

"He hasn't had that many nightmares anymore, you know", he said with a low voice when he was standing in front of me. "It took longer than I expected but I think he's finally getting to the better side of things."

I couldn't help but lower my head. "Good to hear." I didn't really want to have that conversation there, my wife and daughter being in the next room and all.

He laughed that evil laugh of his. "Nah, I'm not too sure I like it that much. He's so cute when he gets all weepy. I rather enjoy comforting him", he said with a lazy tone and smirked incredibly slyly.

"How can you make even something as sweet and kind as comforting someone sound like it's the dirtiest and most evil thing in the world?" I growled at him as I checked to see if Sesshoumaru was watching us through the window.

"It's a skill I've polished to near perfection", he said all smug. That bloody smirk never left his face. Then he slid his fingers through his black hair and he, too, looked at Sesshoumaru through the window. "All I wanted say was that you don't have to worry about hurting him anymore. He really is better now, so there's no need to tiptoe around him. That just makes him uncomfortable. Not to mention that it has already been a long time since then. I know it will never be totally alright but it's definitely better."

"I see."

"Do you really?" he sounded surprised. "I mean I did spell it out to ya but, really you get it?"

"What's with the tone, huh?" I could feel my eye twitching, it always happened when I was getting annoyed. I think Sesshoumaru does that too, though his gestures are always a lot more discreet than mine.

"Nothing, nothing… Just that you're usually so tense that I can't help but be surprised every time you do get something in that head of yours. It's nice to know that people can still do that to me, surprise me that is."

"Yep. I still hate you. Definitely hate you. No doubt about it."

"That I know. You really shouldn't repeat yourself so much", he said smirking.

I couldn't help but sigh. Naraku was Naraku and he would always be just as intolerable as before. Well, to be honest, that's not exactly true. I think that being with Sesshoumaru has softened him a little. He actually has a very cheesy side hidden inside him. I was very surprised to discover that.

"Oh and by the way", Naraku said suddenly as if he had just come up with something new and miraculous. He does that sometimes. "Sesshoumaru absolutely adores that brat of yours. I know he doesn't show it but you know what he's like. If anyone else tugged his lip ring, they'd lose their hand in an instant."

"You don't need to tell me that", I huffed, but I couldn't keep the smile from my lips.

It was hard to believe that we could be all together like that. It had been hard, but more than that it had been awkward as hell to try and smooth things out between us. I had been scared shitless when I introduced Kagome to Sesshoumaru for the first time. I was even more scared when she met Naraku, mainly because one can never know what he might say. To be honest, I think that Kagome had – and has – some suspicions about me and Sesshoumaru. She's pretty sharp and I think she could see that we weren't exactly normal. She's never asked me anything though, and for that I'm grateful. I wouldn't know what to answer and I don't want lie to her.

This is where I want to slap myself, because I'm forced to say that Naraku played a big part in the process of making us all act civilized. Who knows what might have happened without him, if Sesshoumaru didn't have him to lean on. I might have felt so guilty seeing him sad that I would've left everything so I could comfort him.

I'm glad things turned out this way, though. It's not like I and Sesshoumaru can ever be totally normal bothers, it's impossible, but this way we can stay in each other's lives without constantly hurting the other (well, at least we can minimize it). And I'm happy. Really I am.

"Hey Naraku!" I called after him as he was about to join Sesshoumaru on the balcony. He looked back at me a hand gripping the door handle. "How can you be so sure he's doing better?"

His constant smirk tuned into a sugary, dreamy smile that made me want to barf. "Last night he said he loved me", he said with a voice that was almost shy (ugh, so disgusting) and then he went outside to grab Sesshoumaru into a bear hug, which made Sesshoumaru almost burn him with his cigarette.

I shook my head as I watched the two. I was pleased to notice that it didn't hurt anymore to look at them, not that much anyways. I was a bit surprised, though, that it had taken so long for Sesshoumaru to say those words to Naraku, but I guess that's just him being him.

I felt a petite hand on my shoulder and turned to look at a face that I had come to love. It was comfortable, safe. "The dinner's ready. Shouldn't we ask them to come in?" Kagome said as she kept her eyes on Rin who tried her hardest to not drop any plates. She was always worried about her.

"Nah, let them be for awhile", I answered and smiled at her. "It's somewhat special time for them, right now."

She looked at them through the window and her smile widened. "They look happy."

Naraku was just trying to fondle Sesshoumaru, who was shouting at him to stop whatever he was doing for they were not alone, but finally he hit him on the head because the bastard didn't listen.

I actually laughed, which surprised me a little. I wasn't sure if I sounded bitter or not. "Yeah, they are."

--0—

--0—

_Thanks for the jurney. I don't really like this ending, though... And just so you know, pairing up Inu and Ses is absolutely impossible for me. Anyway, wait for the sequel! It tells the story behing Nar and Ses and how poor Ses got to the point where you met him.  
_

_Love, Val_

_P.S: Writing Ses was really hard. I had to try ridicilously hard that he didn't end up sounding like a whiny teenage girl... -.-'  
_


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